This is my way of holding myself accountable. According to Google, this blog (and it's various posts that I make public), has around 500 followers that see what I write. I could care less about the number, or if anyone reads this garbage. After all, I'm hardly interested in my life, I don't expect that of anyone else. However, since the beginning of the year, I have made it my goal to reach 128 lbs, at 12% body fat. This goal is not unattainable. In fact, I have been teetering for two months. Two months is far too long to struggle with the remaining 2-6 lbs. I've had my slip-ups, my "cheats", my justifications, and my pity parties. Enough is enough. I'm doing it for real. Starting now.
This weekend, my brother got married to an amazing woman. I couldn't be happier for the both of them, and although I've been in and out of marriage already, I hope nothing but the best for them, because when love is real, it's real. That being said....
I enjoyed myself at the wedding. I say that, and I mean it. I loved having my hair and makeup done, my photos taken, and the food...God I loved the food. A little too much....
After enjoying two mimosas while having my hair done, I also had a breakfast consisting of plantain chips, almond butter, chicken, and Lord knows what else. I decided not to track my food for the day, because 10,000 calories would have sent me into automatic shock. Perhaps I should have, then I wouldn't be having this problem.
Upon arriving to the country club where the photos were taken, I was greeted with turkey sandwiches, a fruit platter, cookies, and candies. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have everything minus the candy. I didn't eat the bread for the sandwich, but I didn't need all of that meat either. I wasn't hungry, I was eating mindlessly, a huge flaw that I've dealt with for years.
Alcohol is not something that is a part of my daily, weekly, or even monthly habits. However, I convinced myself that today was special, so I had drinks while getting ready. A rum and diet coke, (I never drink soda), and then a Sex on the Beach. Finally it was time for the actual wedding, so I took a break from stuffing my face.
At the reception, the first hour consisted of happy hour, where the wedding party enjoyed free drinks and food in a separate room. I had around four slices of pizza, six bacon wrapped pieces of chicken, and a few handfuls of trail mix. Also on the order were two Kahlua and coffees and two Cosmopolitans. This was the meal before the meal.
After my brother and sister-in-law were announced, we sat down for the dinner. Before dinner, I was greeted with a basket of awesome looking bread. I indulged. Twice. Ate my entire filet mingnon, salad, and stole a chicken finger. One more Cosmo.
One more Cosmo.
Slice of cake.
Slice of cake.
At this point, I was drunk, full, and sleepy. Naturally, after I left the wedding, I decided to eat an entire gluten free pizza.
My cheat day easily rivals that of the Rock.
Sunday, I continued the awful trend. I'll spare the details, but I will say it involved more bread, more cake, and bacon salad dressing
Not surprisingly, upon weighing myself this morning, the scale had moved...ten fucking pounds. I'm used to four or five...but TEN?!?
I lost my shit. I know much of it is water weight, but there was some serious calorie intake involved, and I know a few of those pounds are here to stay.
The only answer for me, as someone who has struggled with eating disorders for much of her life, is to not allow myself those "cheats". Some people are able to have one treat and then go about their days. In my case, I turn into a wild animal, devouring whatever I may come across. When I do this, I don't feel well, I retain water, and my feelings of self-worth diminish to none. While this is unhealthy, when I eat Paleo, and am strict with it, I feel amazing, and I know that's what I need to do.
Today, I am renewing my vow to Paleo.
I vow to eat real, nourishing food.
I vow to not let temptation get the best of me.
I vow to be mindful and honest with what I'm eating and how it makes me feel.
I vow to reach my weight/body fat goal
I love myself too much to harm my body any further. I purchased a body detoxification kit (plant based and natural) to kick start my journey. If I want to act like someone who is still on the SAD diet, I will start over like I've never done this before.
My willpower is strong, and I know I can do this. To my readers, I will be posting daily of what I've eaten, what my workouts were like, and how I'm feeling. If you are currently toying with the idea of joining the Paleo lifestyle, please, come with me. I'll help hold you accountable, and you can help me.
People are strongest with a support system. To everyone that's seen me through my struggles and triumphs, I sincerely thank you for the support, and hope I make it through this journey in one piece.